“There’ve been times in my life. I’m tired and I wanna give up. I’ve been wondering why. Why is the world getting so crazy? Still, somehow I believe. I’ve come too far to die now. I always survive.” Kirk Franklin, “Declaration”
38-year old Yolanda is suffocating in her romantic relationship: She feels so small with her man, Sancho, a burly man in his early 40’s. There is not a day in their 10 years of marriage that he is not mean to her. They had two children and she is a stay home mom. Being in this state, she just finds comfort in her kids–studious students in a public school in the Valley. Still, the problems in her relationship with Sancho are overwhelming. Sancho was a serial philanderer and in trying to compensate with his “sins”, he asks her incessantly about her whereabouts and who she is dealing with. She finds these investigations insane and yet, she can’t do anything about it because she is tied to him financially. “I can’t complain. He is a good provider but that’s what he expects me to do: He wants me to be faithful .I don’t mind his interrogations. I can keep a blind eye to his shenanigans. Anyway, at my age no one will take care of me the way he is. It’s not all that bad. “
Brenda was dating this man for more than three months. They had a whirlwind courtship and she was hooked. He was not unlike any man she had been before: He was a take charge kind of man, thickly built, intelligent, opinionated and passionate in what he does and says. She loved that about him. At first, he was affectionate with her in public and she would bask in this. In turn, she was demonstrative of her affections too and she felt they had what it takes to make it. Because of this possibility, she comfortable drenched herself in a self-inflicted pseudo-bliss. Then after spending more time together that he began to criticize her accent, time spent with her friends and what she confides in her girls about. She would turn try to please him by asking what’s wrong, doing some chores for him and helping him out in his business. Deep insecurities started to reveal themselves, as he started to drop hints t “I can choose any woman I want. There are women crazy over me . You should feel fortunate that I chose you.” These declarations made her feel uncomfortable. In fact, it made her self-esteem sink… as if he was a demi-god and she was lucky to bask in his love. Overtime, his criticism grew worse and so is his drinking. He started to work late nights, saying it was necessary for his job. She felt restless: She wanted him home and to spend time with him. By the time he got home, he was drunk and although he would spend time with her, he would complain that “it’s late”. She was starting to feel bad and thus began a flow of insecurities. He started to accuse her of many things she didn’t do, and pounced on her every mistake. He wanted to make sure she felt bad about it. Kicking her out unexpectedly to indulge in a case of beer was becoming a devastating trend. Her friends told her to get out but she wanted to believe in that budding romance…she wanted to believe they could make it. Now, she felt her relationship is now a deadbolt: She wanted to leave but she felt maybe the best is yet to come. She is now living with him and doesn’t want to give it up. “It’s going to be better. He will come around”. She is now putting up with his mental and verbal abuse, excusing it as just “venting”. Nothing personal, she surmised.
Amanda was raised in an abusive home: Her parents fought all the time and she was physically and mentally abused by both parents. Refusing to take anymore from both of them, she ran away from home and settled down with a guy who was in a gang. When she was initiated there, she felt happy because she felt a sense of power for the first time. It was a false joy because she ended up repeating the cycle; being an abuser and physically badgering her victims. She ended up living with her gang boyfriend and got pregnant. During her pregnancy, she threatened her often and if she didn’t comply, he would hit her physically. Remember, she has a sense of “power” now…so she would hit him back in retaliation. On her fifth month of pregnancy, she lost her child. When confronted by her friends, she said that she slipped and fell from the stairs. Her friends were baffled, probably suspicious, but didn’t say anything: Isn’t it her boyfriend taking care of her needs? Why does she have those bruises? They shrugged it off. Maybe she really is just clumsy.
According to Haven Hills,The largest Domestic Violence Center in the valley as reported in their 2008 Annual Report, Crisis Line received 2,295 calls and admitted in their 30-Day Crisis Shelter 85 women and 176 children. Their DART Program, LAPD-Volunteer Taskforce that grant battered women and children immediate legal, medical and shelter options have DART — 317 adults and 480 children. Their crisis line receives a 1,000 calls a month.
According to the U.S. Department of Justice, between 1998 and 2002:
• Of the almost 3.5 million violent crimes committed against family members,
49% of these were crimes against spouses.
• 84% of spouse abuse victims were female, and 86% of victims of dating
partner abuse were female.
• Males were 83% of spouse murderers and 75% of dating partner murderers
• 50% of offenders in state prison for spousal abuse had killed their victims.
Wives were more likely than husbands to be killed by their spouses: wives
were about half of all spouses in the population in 2002, but 81% of all
persons killed by their spouse.
According to a 2000 study which interviewed the former and current
partners of male batterers referred to batterer programs by the court:
• 41% of participants reported that the men committed a re-assault during the
30-month follow-up period.
• Nearly 2/3 of the first time re-assaults occurred in the first 6 months.
• About 20 percent of the men repeatedly re-assaulted their partners and
account for most of the reported injuries.
Reports indicate some 86% of the women who received a protection order state the
abuse either stopped or was greatly reduced.
In a study of 724 adolescent mothers between the ages of 12-18, one of every eight
pregnant adolescents reported having been physically assaulted by the father of her
baby during the preceding 12 months. Of these, 40 percent also reported experiencing
violence at the hands of a family member or relative.
Fifty to eighty percent of teens report knowing someone involved in a violent relationship.
Battered women are not the only victims of abuse — it is estimated that anywhere
between 3.3 million and 10 million children witness domestic violence annually. Research
demonstrates that exposure to violence can have serious negative effects on children’s
development.
